BOCA GRANDE, FL—As he tore off his shirt and shouted that his physique was coated in heinous transgressions of the regulation, Tucker Carlson screamed in agony Friday, claiming that he felt crime crawling throughout him. “Please, somebody, get these crimes off me!” yelled the 53-year-old tv host, who reportedly scratched at his face till it bled as a result of he believed crime was burrowing deep into his pores and skin. “Name 911—billions of legal guidelines are being damaged proper now in each cell of my physique! Democrats should be dumping crime within the nation’s water provide. That is precisely what I mentioned was going to occur, however nobody believed me. Now I’m contaminated with it, and I reek of foul legal offenses!” At press time, sources confirmed Carlson had set himself on fireplace in a determined try and kill the crime.